Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
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Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm