I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
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Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.