Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
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She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.