Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
*puts my mental health in rice
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?