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Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Bringing home a sharpie
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges