I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
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#StillHurts
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit