Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
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Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?