Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
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Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Otters see a butterfly.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐