[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
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My what?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Oh we’ve met.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
*jazz hands*
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…