The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
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Coffee for people with no kids
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god