Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
everyone’s a critic