So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
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Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
blocked.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping