Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
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I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.