If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
dream blunt rotation
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges