“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
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Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
All set.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.