14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”