I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
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Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break