At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
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[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.