You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
That’s incredible! 👌
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”