We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”