14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
You Might Also Like
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.