I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
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When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
What the hell happened in there??
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.