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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.