“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
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A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I feel this so hard
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
But that’s none of my business
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023