You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
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I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Hot hot hot 🥵
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂