coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
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My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes