The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
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How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
The USS B port
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”