When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
You Might Also Like
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.