I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
You Might Also Like
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
You look like you would fail a DNA test
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat