Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
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Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
this FaceApp is creepy af
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
The two types of wives
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?