It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
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I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.