Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
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This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*