Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
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my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
More like Kate Missington.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.