If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
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Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW