One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
You Might Also Like
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.