Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
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Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.