I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
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[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
house sitting!
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.