Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Baller is short for ballerina
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.