Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*