ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
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I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.