Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
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Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
💁🏻♂️
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Oh. My. God.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Me :
All Day At Night