Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
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cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,