Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
You Might Also Like
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
This guy gets it.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Mistakes were made
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
When you kidnap a writer.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*