My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
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SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Okay, I’m still confused…
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Rt to bother an English speaker
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket