ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
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My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years