Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
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My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.