No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
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An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
i’m sure it’s fine
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Twitter is an abusement park.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
this could fix me
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.