You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
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Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right