Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October