Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
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*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Body by sandwich.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks